I decided that I would keep one girl home on Monday, a different girl home on Wednesday and the third home on Friday so that my parents can get a little time with each one individually. I figured this would also make it less overwhelming for me. I'm going to have all the girls go to the nanny's house on Tuesday and Thursday so I can do a little work, and my parents can rest up. (If you're over 80, you do a LOT of napping. Sometimes you're just sitting in a chair, and you aren't even comfortable, but you nap. I'm kind of jealous of all the napping.)
So anyway, this morning my Mom and I were talking about how N (4.5) and T (1 year!!!) were going with the Nanny (aka Mary Poppins) today, and K (27 months) was staying home with us.
My Mom said, "Why don't you just keep them all home and we can all go to lunch."
I looked at her and without thinking, said, "Uh, no. I can't handle five kids today."
She asked, "Oh, you think Dad and I are like kids?"
Ummmm, oops.... I try to remove my foot from my mouth...
I replied, "Well, actually, a little." I felt bad after I said it, but it's true. It's so overwhelming to me to be out with all of them. I. can't. do. it. I feel bad, but it's hard.
Our activity for today was going to get coffee and then my Mom, K and I went to look at shoes. K was having so much fun running around and looking at all the pretty shoes. She tried on some gold ones that had higher heels than I would have been comfortable wearing and she was able to walk in them. She is such a girlie girl!
Then she started looking at the clothes and she'd say, "oh, that's a beautiful shirt!" or "oooooohhhh.... I love this skirt!" No one taught her these things, she just intuitively knew how to do this shopping thing. Or maybe the objects just afforded those reactions. (Yea, that reference shows some of my true geekitude, eh?)
(Note: My husband disagrees and says K has observed me modeling the behavior of reacting to clothes in that way when they've received cute things as gifts, and that's why she did the "ooooohh, etc. thing)... I disagree... I think how she acted was either innate, or the objects afforded the reactions.)
I guess I've covered part of Topic 6, but wait! There's more! (I know you're on the edge of your seat!)
So as K was gushing over the clothes, I said to my Mom, "She's going to be my shopping buddy someday." She replied, "Not necessarily, you never shopped with me when you got older. You liked it when you were little, but not when you got older."
What I didn't say, but what I was thinking..."Yea, I didn't like it because when I got older you wanted me to buy things I HATED. You didn't let me have my own opinions or wear things that I liked... We only bought things you liked or nothing. If I went with my friends I could at least get things I kind of liked that you wouldn't yell about... You often tried to control me and shape me into what YOU wanted me to be.
Or at least that's what it felt like to me. I still feel like I can't share my true opinions with you because I still feel you judge me. You don't seem to do this to my brothers or my neice, but I feel that I am judged "unworthy" way all the time. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's all my imagination. I'm sorry if that's the case, and it's my shortcoming. I haven't been able to get past this. It used to bother me a lot, and it still bothers me some, but I have accepted that I am NOT the daughter you dreamed of. I know that in some ways I make you very proud, but it other ways, you just don't understand me.
I'm okay with that...You?"
Instead, I just kind of nodded and moved on.
Yea, it's kind of sad, but I don't think there is anything I can say to her to explain that feeling to her without making her cry, or feel bad. She's never been what I would call rational or logical, and as she gets older, she gets less. I do love her. I am okay with things. I don't think that we need to "clear the air" or anything. I'm okay with just accepting things the way they are and trying not to let her push my buttons too much. (I can't help it, but she does some and I react occasionally.) I hope she knows I love her.
Wow. I must have needed to get all of that out!
And now another dimension to topic 6.
Good news! Both my parents seem to be in better shape than they were on their last visit. Not significantly better, but certainly not worse, and definitely a little better. My Dad is walking a bit better. My Mom too. My Wonderful Husband (MWH) thinks so too so it's not just me. Mary Poppins thinks so too. My Mom had a pacemaker put in about 3.5 weeks ago and she really looks good.
I know that many people, and kitties too, have ups and downs as they age. Aging is not just a straight downhill slope. Downs are followed by ups. The ups are heartening and the downs are really really really depressing. I'm glad we're on an up. I am happy. I love my parents. I hope they are around to drive me crazy for a long time! (You remember that whole bickering thing? Yea... that's what is going on right now...)
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