It's a good thing

It's a good thing I felt good yesterday, because if I hadn't, today would have done me in. Looking at the bigger picture of life, my complaints are pretty minor. In fact, I have nothing to complain about when you look at the bigger picture of life, but today, this is what is bringing me down. Please be warned that this post contains EXCESSIVE whining on my part.


First... We met with the firm we chose to do the remodel on our house. They came in with a bid of 20-30% more than the highest range they initially quoted us before. But they get around being held to that initial quote because the scope of our desire changed (when we worked with their designer) and thus so did the costs.

They also let the start date slip by a month and 1/2 from an already later date than they initially told us. Now, do we go back to the drawing board, and find a new firm and do a new design and work with; or do we pay through the nose and get started in LATE MAY instead of April like they initially told us when we paid them a retainer? (When we first spoke to them before the retainer it was a March construction start date. I feel baited and switched.) There are also two more factors bringing me down about the remodel, but I'm not up to writing about them here.



Second there was work. I was late to a meeting because of the meeting with the designer. Not that big of a deal, but another colleague wanted to pre-meet before the next meeting I had... I spent 20-ish minutes in the meeting I was late getting to, and then went on to the stooge-like second meeting that never actually happened because the 4 people that were on site (myself included) were confused about the time, and location. Two of the people who were supposed to be on site weren't there (one, the project leader, had a good excuse and she had called). The other one who wasn't there is the one who is "supposed to" be organizing the project. I say "supposed to" because really he's only creating chaos.

After a series of phone calls and running around, I finally made an executive decision and called the project leader, who wasn't there (and had a good excuse). The project leader agreed with me and we're kind of "voting the person who is supposed to be organizing the project off the island."

Of course, nothing is that simple, and getting rid of this person requires a lot documentation and a paper trail. It's about time we're doing something though because he's been not organizing things for about 4 years now. So that was my little bit of time at work. I had to spend it organizing a project that should have already been organized. Then I helped another team on the project figure out a solution to their problem. It didn't take a lot of time, but I had NO time to begin with, so in that sense it took a LOT of time. (It's all perspective.) I didn't even get to do anything on my own part. That's what I'll do in a little while tonight.



The third thing that was bad was my own fault. I was so busy being so distressed about the first thing (the remodel) that I missed the exit on the freeway and I cost myself about 10 minutes of time (and given that I already lost other time today) and I was late getting home for the nanny. The one good thing is that she didn't complain. I will send her an email. I kind of snapped at her when I got home and I shouldn't have, but I did apologize before she left. No, actually, I didn't exactly "snap," I just asked her to check T's diaper to make sure she wasn't poopy. I told her T had been poopy yesterday when she left and that she needed to change T right after T's nap. (I don't think that's unreasonable. And I held back and didn't say that T had also been poopy when she left the preceding Wednesday too. It bugs me when T is left poopy.) After she changed T, I thanked her and I explained it was a stressful day. I hate to feel guilty about asking someone to do something that they should just d and that's what I feel like here.



So my 4 year old looked at me tonight when I first got home and said, maybe you should take a nap Mommy, you look tired. I said, that would be lovely, but T (7 months) needs me. N (4) said, well, maybe you can explain to her you need a nap and maybe she'll take one with you. So cute. I said, that's a nice idea, but then K (22 months) will be getting up from her nap and who will watch her. She suggested that I explain to K that I needed a nap and that maybe K would listen to me, because she does sometimes, and be a good girl. If it were only that simple.

Today, it feels like life is out to get me. I'll be fine in the morning I'm sure. You can bet the girls are going to bed early tonight! (Sleep is important.)

So, an internet friend has this wonderful mother that always makes her feel better. I feel like that's what I need right now. I need a Mom. I need someone to stroke my forehead (even if it's just metaphorically) and tell me it's going to be okay. Logically I know it will be okay. Logically I know that all of the things I'm stressing about aren't that important, but right now I want empathy and a shoulder to cry on. My husband and I will be able to figure it out, that's what we do, but really, a Mom to take care of me is what I want. Sometimes being the grown up is NO fun.

You should have seen how I felt as I was nearing delivery of T (7. 5 months ago) and how much I wanted a Mom then. I have a Mom, and she loves me and I love her, but she's reaching the age where she needs me to be the adult and she needs someone to take care of her, and she's far away. And if I explained all this to her she'd only be confused. Sigh.

I'll be better tomorrow. Or else you get another whiny post like this one.