missing

My Mom is missing my Dad. No surprise. On "the other blog" I'll post about their life together. I'll post video and pictures and a story. I'm not going to write much about Dad here. I'll probably write about about my feelings here, but not so much about Dad the person. I will document that he was a great guy. He touched many people's lives. It was good to see how much at the funeral. I will miss him.

I am somewhat sorry I missed seeing him alive one more time. Back in November, I said "goodbye" and I kind of thought it might be "goodbye forever." I hoped it wouldn't, but the disease was working fast in my Dad. When I got back from visiting him I was very sad and worried. I am glad he had so much time with Mom. I am glad he made it to Christmas. I am feeling guilty that I didn't go back and see him right after the beginning of the year.

I obviously can't do anything about not having gone to see him now. And I think I feel so much guilt because I waffle between being very sad that I missed seeing him again and somewhat okay with not having seen him again. The reason I didn't want to go back was simple, I didn't like seeing Dad "dying." It was really hard.

I don't know how my Mom did it. She was there every day. She's a strong woman. It was so hard for me because Dad was always so strong. Dad was never sick. Literally. I honestly can't remember a time in my childhood when he was sick. He'd get a cold sometimes but he never took any time off of work. He never had anything worse than a cold.

While he was sick, he lost about 40-50 pounds in 4 months. All of his life, he was overweight. He had loved eating and food. Seeing him so thin and not being able to eat was hard. It was also especially hard watching him not be able to walk and seeing him get so frustrated.

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A friend's father died in the shower and she was the one who found him. She said, "A daughter should never have to see her father like that." I agree, and I know she felt horrible pain finding him that way, but I also think a daughter should never have to see her father waste away and go from being the most competent, independent man to someone who can't get out of bed.

Okay... Enough for now. I am very sad. I am tired of grief. We had so much grief when my friend died last year, and now we get to do it again. I'll write about other things too, no worries. The girls are endlessly entertaining.