Blocked

I am having a hard time writing right now because I am very busy thinking about my class and my friend who died. On a positive note, I'm ALMOST done with class! The part that is hard around class is that I'm working on understanding the experience that is teaching and why I am so disappointed by it all. I'll share more about that later. On the sad side of things, I'm not almost done with processing D's death.

Sunday was hard. I think it was good for me to talk with one woman who was VERY close to D (my friend who died). She was probably D's best friend. They had been friends for more than a decade. I asked how she was doing and she replied it was hard, but it has helped her to think about D's death as "just a fact of life."

When she said that, it made me realize I too needed to treat D's death as a fact of life. Often, I find myself thinking it can't be real. I create conversations D and I should be having.... I can maybe do this later, but right now, I do need to realize D is gone and she's not coming back. As sad as that thought makes me, I have to understand and internalize it. It's painful, and I haven't quite done it yet. I'm really good with denial.

I imagine it helps D's best friend to understand D's gone and it is reality because she was at the hospital with D. She got to SEE how sick D was and how she wasn't actually D anymore. I'm sure it was hard, but I am also sure it helped her understand it all better. I never went to the hospital. The family was a bit overwhelmed by all of D's friends. She had so many. D was amazing. She is gone. I miss her. D and I hadn't been friends for that long--just four years--but she was so real and trustworthy. She was refreshing. She is gone. I am sad.