The tion post

Introspection, reflection and transition--I need a moment...

I'm finally less busy than I am used to being. I'm trying not to be stressed... Perhaps I'm still stressed because I'm trying so hard not to be stressed. Usually, I cope with stressful things by throwing myself into projects so I don't notice that I'm stressed, but I'm trying to make life a little less crazy, so that strategy won't work here.

Here I am in transition to a less busy state. Transitions are hard. Change is hard. Identity transformations are really hard. I know all of this. It helps a little to understand why it's hard and that it's supposed to be, but it still sucks to live through it. It's nothing horrible, and I know a lot of people have a lot more going on in there lives and a lot of not positive things, but this is where I am... Here's my moment...

So, my big work decision that I alluded to here is that I am not going to stress about work any more. I only have a handful of projects that I kind of like, and none that I love. I've been saying no to things I don't love. I have not sought out anything that I would not just LOVE to work on. This is huge for me. I feel like I'm slacking off, but it is slacking by design. It's hard for me to slack.

My long-term plan is to keep working as long as it's entertaining and not draining, and at some point I'll probably have to move from my salaried position to an hourly position, but that's okay. (I will have to move to an hourly position when my vacation runs out. I've been using up vacation-time as I've been saying no to things). I have to keep reminding myself that my salary doesn't pay the bills around here. It's actually hard to say whether I help the bottom line or hurt it. We definitely want me to keep working because 1) it's important to me, 2) I'm good at what I do, 3) I do things I think are imporant and 4) someday the 3 little girls will be less little, and I'll have more time to work.

MWH is completely supportive of me. In fact, he's so supportive that as I write how supportive he is, I have tears welling up in my eyes. I am truly lucky in how much he wants me to be happy.

I haven't been happy with work for the last year, and maybe longer. (Obviously, I've had good moments and times at work in the last year, but it's not been consistent.) I started teaching at [local university] because I wasn't happy at work. When I started at the University, I knew it was a step to help me figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It's helped me a little.

It's really hard because where I work is a great place, but it's very innovative and not innovative in a way I think it should be. Wow... I wrote that post 1 year ago..... I am really sad that I'm not happy with where I work, but they have us work on so many different things that it is draining our life force. I've spoken with so many people where I work who are overwhlemed and not happy. Something's gotta give.

For me, what's going to give is that I'm changing my strategy. I feel a little like I'm bailing on work, by deciding to most likely be hourly, and that's part of what makes me sad. I'm not bailing though... I'm still going to work there, but I'm going to put my family and me first. I'm even putting teaching above my other work. That too is scary. Teaching is new. But I do love it. But it's new and scary.

There's one project at work that I could do and would be something I really want to do, but it will be new and different and I have to figure out how to make it happen. So what do you think? I think,I'm in transition. I have no doubt that I'll like where I end up, but at the moment, I'm trying to get there and that's the hard part and I'm overwhelmed.

I think I need an iced mocha.