The K monster... (Edited)

K (2.9) has been really difficult lately. She's not so bad for me, but she is a Mama's girl. Kids are often better for the nanny or someone else, and more difficult for Mom, but K isn't. She is easiest for me. MWH finds her difficult and so does Mary Poppins. I'm sure both would rightfully accuse me of letting her get away with things because she has me wrapped around her little finger.

It's hard when someone other than me is in charge of her. It's hard for me to be in charge of her all the time because 1) I work and 2) because no matter how much I give to her, it's never ever enough. She would suck the life-force out of me if I were with her all the time. That's part of the definition of mothering, but even more so in the case of my relationship with K.

Anyway, Mary Poppins was pretty upset with K today. That's an understatement, but I don't want to go into the specifics. Mary Poppins doesn't even know what to do with K. We're working on it. It's hard for me to have a nanny sometimes, and this is one of those times. The nanny is very much a partner in the raising of the children... At least that's how it is with Mary Poppins, and in my opinion how it should be, but sometimes it's hard to find solutions that make everyone happy.

The current solution works for me, but not Mary Poppins. In fact, it's probably making things a little more difficult for her. Now that Mary Poppins has shared with me what she thinks we should do, we will find a compromise. I don't agree completely with what she thinks and she doesn't agree with what I think.

Mary Poppins thinks I'm too soft with K. I think she's being too hard on her. Now comes the part where we have to figure it out together.

My insight into K is that she's very high maintenance, and that she needs to be treated rather delicately. Time-outs don't really work on her. She just howls and never self-soothes. She needs you to hold her and help her calm down and talk her to the "right" thing in a gentle way. That's the way she is. It's really hard to do that when you are with more than one child and when she (K) is in her very difficult mood. When K is difficult, she can be downright ugly and snotty.

Mary Poppins really dislikes snotty behavior. I don't like it either, but the only thing I've found to work with K is to be really gentle. Even when she's being ugly. I forget sometimes. I'll try to give K a time-out or sometimes, I yell. This doesn't work. Every now and then, a well-timed yell will work, but positive interactions work better with K. I don't know... Maybe I do need to be more firm with her....

[sidebar: It's hard for me to be tough with K because I have a lot of guilt about having become pregnant so quickly. I am delighted we have T, but one of my first thoughts was how sorry I was that K wasn't going to get to be "the baby" for a longer period of time. Poor K has a difficult temperament and she's a middle child! Neither the eldest nor the baby.]

Relationships and families are never perfect, but I think documenting what they are like can help. I'll try to remember to write about the solution and what we figure out.

(Edited to add: I think that one of the reason's K is being so difficult is that she's bored. As someone who is easily bored myself, I sympathize. One of the things I want to work with Mary Poppins on is a better schedule that will allow her to get 2 of the girls out to do fun things with them. That will help a GREAT deal.)