Planning... I didn't do a good job

When I was planning this fall, I didn't include time for me to sit around thinking, "How can she be dead???"  I don't understand how my Mom can be dead and my head hurts when I try to think about it.  Sigh.

Happiness is...

Thinking you're out of chocolate at work but when you open a drawer you find a WHOLE, brand-new bar!  Woo!  (Trying to type and not get chocolate on the keyboard now.)

(Note, I prescribed extra chocolate during this very sad time, so this is medicinal.)

Things that were good

Today, I went to work.  I worked at home Monday andTuesday.  Today, at work, I got to see my best-est colleague and she brought me some yummy homemade (vegan) pumpkin bread.  The girls declared it delicious and told me to tell her it was the best they'd ever had.  TwoK may even email for the recipe.  (Don't hold your breath, though.  She's not very good at emailing.)

Another thing fun at work, I am pretty sure one of our other favorite colleagues is pregnant!  I'd place a large amount of money down as a bet on the side of her being pregnant.

A lot of super nice colleagues stopped by to talk.  It really sucks losing a parent.  If you've already lost one (or two) you're very sympathetic.  If you haven't and you're a clueless person, you will not offer anything helpful as you talk and talk about how maybe it was for the best.  (Yes, I have one very clueless colleague... I can never decide if I like this person.  Today I'm coming down on the side of dislike.  I'm sure I'll get over it and move back to the neutral side.)

I made myself do a Dailey Method workout tonight.  I really didn't want to go, but I knew it would be good for me.  I really like how I feel after a DM class, but before I go, I DREAD going.  The only way I can make myself go is to tell myself how good I'll feel after.  I never dread Zumba.  I had a Zumba class Monday andTuesday.  I totally heart Zumba, but I think you all know that.

That's about it for the good.  I didn't get an actual full-blown headache, but my head is not very happy.  I call it Fragile-Head (TM).  It feels like the slightest thing will set me off into a big, bad headache.  Ugh.

Need to watch bad tv shows with MWH!  NOW!

Can't think of anything good for a title

I can't think of anything good for a title because this post is hard to write.  I'm sitting here, trying to catch up on my work.  I've been almost completely offline for a week because my Mom died.  You didn't see that coming, did you?  Neither did I.

Yes, she was in her 80s. Yes, people don't live forever, but I'm still reeling.  Her death was unexpected.  She fell, broke some bones, and then she died the next day.  She didn't hit her head in the fall.  She was in the hospital getting cared for and she just died.  Apparently, her body couldn't take the trauma.

I didn't get to see her or even talk with her after the fall.  She was in the hospital, but was doing "well."  I don't think she saw death coming for her, either.  My brother saw her before he went to work and she told him not to stay.  She told him she was "fine" and to go on to work.  She died a few hours later.  Another brother had been with her and had just gone to get lunch.  She was sleeping when he left and when he returned they were trying to revive her.

The good news is that I didn't have any major unfinished business with her.  We hadn't just had a fight.  All was normal.  I am pretty sure I told her I loved her the last time we spoke, on Tuesday, (I usually did).  I am sad that I got really busy on Wednesday and that I didn't have time to call Wednesday night or Thursday morning.  That's okay, though, I can live with that guilt.  What I wasn't prepared for  is how I'm left with this horrible emptiness because she's not there any more.  She was always there.  No matter how much we try not to take people for granted, when they are gone, we realize that we did take their presence for granted.  I miss her more than I could have imagined.  I wish I could have spoken with her one last time.  But if I didn't know it was the last time, I'd always wish for one more time.

If I'd spoken to her Thursday, after the fall, I would have told her that I was looking forward to coming home and seeing her and helping her feel better.  That we'd figure everything out.  That it would all be okay.  But would I have told her how much she meant to me?  I would have told her I loved her, but I probably wouldn't have told her everything I wished I could, now.  I wouldn't have asked all the questions I have, now.  I didn't get to speak to her because first, she was getting scans and couldn't have her cell phone and then, after they admitted her to the hospital she was given lots of good pain medications and feel asleep.  In retrospect, I should have insisted on talking to her, but it seemed like there would be more time and that her sleep was a higher priority.

As soon as I heard she'd fallen and broken some bones I was overtaken with grief.  I knew how hard this recovery was going to be for her.  She already had a lot of pain from her osteoporosis and the compression fractures she had suffered in her back because of the osteoporosis.  I knew her pain was going to get worse.  I knew that if she recovered she'd be sad because she'd lose mobility.  I knew she'd get "older" because she wouldn't be able to do as much and that she wouldn't be happy about that.  I was sad for all that was coming.  I was trying to figure out when to go back to see her.  I wanted to be there right then, as soon as she fell, but also later as she recovered; I wanted to be there for the hard part of the recovery.  The only good thing about her death is that she doesn't have to face the horrible recovery.

I am glad she doesn't have to suffer, but I just wish she wouldn't have fallen.  I wish we could have prevented the fall.  My whole family is trying to think about what we could have done to prevent the fall, but we haven't come up with the answer.  If we do come up with an answer, unfortunately, it won't help much because we can't go back and re-do Thursday and prevent the fall.

In some ways, she had a good death.  She had decided to go to a dance class and she fell while she was in it.  She was out living her life and an accident killed her.  She didn't have to suffer for too long and she had lived a long full life.  Of course, it's never long enough.  She was missing Dad, and now she doesn't have to miss him any more. We should all be so lucky, right?

Unfortunately, for me, this loss leaves me feeling like a 3 year old crying for my Mommy.  Where is she?  Where did she go?  I miss her and want her.  I feel like I've been able to be strong and independent because I knew she was always there for me.  She's not there, now, and I'm very sad.

A quickie

Hrm... trying out the new blogger interface. It's cleaner and the input area for making a post is bigger. I wonder if it works better on the iPad / iPhone. I'll have to try.  Not many thoughts on the new interface.  I'll have to use it a bit to see if I like it.

In the meantime, I'll just post a couple of thoughts so I don't forget what's going on in my life. It's very busy! It's good. Ask me at the end of the semester how I feel, but right now, I love it.  Right now, I'm:

 1. Organizing the house
2. Hanging in the girls' classrooms
3. Teaching my class
4. Working on the new big project
5. Trying to find new recipes

Today, in the organizing arena, I worked on my pantry. I started organizing before I realized I was doing it and I didn't get a "before" picture. It was BAD. The "after" looks a lot better, but I can't post it because you don't have anything to compare it to, and to some, it might look bad, still.

I'll try to take before pictures from now on, but sometimes I just start organizing before I realize it. (I'm on quite the organizing kick!)

In the recipe arena: Below is a recipe I found that I'm going to adapt and try. Hopefully, I'll make it tonight. I'll report back on how the girls like it.

(Note, I don't think I'll use ketchup and I imagine I'll try to add a little spinach to mine. I need to figure out what I'm going to do instead of ketchup... I think I'd rather do real garlic... Hrmmm... maybe I'll cook the beans first with some spices and then make into patties. I'll report back.)

From http://happyherbivore.com/2011/08/easy-black-bean-burger/
Black Bean Burgers Recipe
Servings: 4
Description: I developed these burgers in a hotel room: they’re quick, easy and require very few ingredients. (In fact, except for the beans and a seasoning packet, I sourced all the ingredients from the complimentary “breakfast bar”). I make these burgers any time I need a super fast meal or I’m really low on ingredients.

 Ingredients:
⅓ cup instant oats
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tbsp yellow mustard
2 tbsp ketchup
15 ounces black beans, drained and rinsed

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 400F. Grease a cookie sheet or line with parchment paper and set aside. In a mixing bowl, mash black beans with a fork until mostly pureed but still some half beans and bean parts are left. Stir in condiments and spices until well combined. Then mix in oats.

Divide into 4 equal portions and shape into thin patties. Bake for 7 minutes, carefully flip over and bake for another 7 minutes, or until crusty on the outside. Slap into a bun with extra condiments and eat!


Total Time: 20.00 min

Okay, I must get back to work before I get all sleepy and lose focus.  I got up early today and took my FAVORITE zumba class.  (Remind me to tell you more about exercise stuff, later.)

PB pancakes

Giving full credit to http://www.sprint2thetable.com/2011/09/pbj-pancakes-gluten-free-and-vegan/ for this amazing recipe. As it is the policy here, I'm putting in her recipe in case, you know, the Internet ever goes away or something. OMG these are good!


PB Pancakes
1 T ground flax
1 T + 1 tsp water
1/4 C peanut flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp vanilla
3 T unsweetened almond milk (or other liquid)
Note: I used soy. I would have used almond if I had it.
10 drops NuNaturals Pure Liquid Vanilla Stevia
Note: I used a little Xylitol. I didn't measure, but I would guess 1 tablespoon? I'm thinking, next time, I might mix in some maple pancake syrup. We'll see. Maybe I'll try stevia. I like Stevia in my oatmeal and in my tea, but I haven't liked cooking with it, but perhaps it'll be okay with PB. I dislike stevia with chocolate!

Mix together ground flax and water. Set aside for 2-3 mins, allowing the mix to gel into a flax “egg.”

In small bowl, whisk together dry ingredients. Add liquids and flax egg, stirring until just combined.

Spoon on to warm pan (med-high heat), forming 1-2 pancakes. Flip half way through… you guys know how to make pancakes.
Note: This was the thickest pancake batter I've EVER seen. I added some extra soy milk, but I didn't measure. I probably did 1-2 more tablespoons. It was still too thick to pour so I spooned some in the pan and then when I flipped the pancake, I smushed it with my spatula. I had to flip it again so that the first side was down twice, but it all worked out. I did not see any pancake bubbles. WAY too thick for that.

Sprint to the table made a jam for her pancakes...

For the Jam:
1/3 C fresh raspberries
5-6 drops NuNaturals Pure Liquid Vanilla Stevia


Meanwhile, place the berries and stevia in a small bowl. Place in mocriwave ~45 seconds. Remove and stir.

Plate pancakes and top with “jam.” Enjoy!

Notes: Any flour should work here. You can also use a regular egg or 2 egg whites in place of the flax egg.

Makes 1-2 pancakes.


Note: I got 3 pancakes 'cause the batter was so thick. I didn't want to make them huge.
I tried some blueberries on them, but I kind of just liked them without a topping. twoK tried a couple of bites and thought they were pretty good with maple syrup. I'm also thinking about some chocolate chips in these........(then I definitely won't use stevia...oooohh.... one could use banana for sweetness. PB, chocolate, and banana are my favorites!)