And then

the tears start and you just can't stop them. The tears aren't even about what you thought was stressing you. The tears are about your wonderful kitty who has been gone for almost a year. Who you miss so much. You know there are a few people out there who understand how much "just a cat" could mean to you, but they are few and far between.

You started crying because you read a post on an email list from someone who had his kitty put to sleep six months ago. He writes that he thinks he gave up on his kitty before his kitty was ready to go. It touches a nerve. You have wondered the same. Because you had your kitty put to sleep you will always wonder if you gave up sooner than your kitty wanted you to. Your husband tells you no you didn't. Your friend who saw your kitty the day he was put to sleep also tells you it was the right time.

You comfort yourself by thinking that you chose to have him put to sleep only 3 days before he would have died if you'd have let nature take its course. You think it was 3 days earlier than he would have died on his own because you think that T was born exactly 6 months after he should have died.

T was born on the 18th 6 months after he died on the 15th. You completely thought T was going to be born on the 15th, and when she wasn't you decided it was because she and your kitty have a connection and he wanted her to be born on the day he would have died naturally.

That's why you think it was only 3 days sooner than he would have died if you'd left him alone. You think he had T born on the day he should have died and then sent a message telling you that because of a kitty you saw while you were in the hospital after you had T.

You tell yourself you didn't cheat him out of 3 days of life. You tell yourself that he would have been in agony. He was suffering from congestive heart failure with pleural effusion plus chronic renal failure. You had given him around the clock care for the last 3 weeks of his life and lots of other care for the last 2 years. You were willing to spend any amount of money to help him, and the vet knew that, but even she said it was time to let him go too. You tell yourself it's okay because putting him to sleep was painless for him. Part of you believes it. All of you misses him.